Dear People Who Drink In Bars,
This Friday is the last Friday before Christmas. Mad Friday. The ambulance services and police are cheerfully decorating their Drunk Buses in preparation for the biggest party night of the year.
No one wants to get in the way of your festing, People Who Drink In Bars. You work. You work. You always are telling me that You Work. I know that you are trying hard to let off steam before the inevitable sadness of the winter season eats you. I know that spending money in a bar is not what you normally do. I know that you are in an awkward situation with people you spend more time with than your family.
Never fear! The ultimate guide to drinking in bars before Christmas is here! With these foolproof tips, you’ll be the most popular and jovial Person Who Drinks in Bars.
In every establishment you enter, make sure you ask for the strongest stuff they’ve got. Your work mates will see this as an assertion of manly dominance. You deserve to drink scotch and imperial double chocolate russian-iranian stouts. You work, after all! You deserve a shot of overproof rum dropped into Red Bull and lit on fire!
Make sure that you joke with bar staff. Female bar staff especially love to hear jokes about their weight, temperment, and sexual organs. CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSS, bitches!
When running up a £400 tab at the office Christmas party, be sure to leave no tip whatsoever for your servers. They made all that money on your booze! It’s a gift already. And if you add the toilet and Tube decorations, you’ve surely made their night a festive and Christmasy commute.
When using the bar toilet, follow this simple etiquette: be sure to pee all over the walls of the toilet, the seat, the floor and any other surface visible. It increases the Christmas cheer infinitely! Every layer of pee that’s added is inspired by your christmas spirit. Women can participate, too…with a little commitment you can decorate a commode just as well as a man!
When partaking in a festive meal, be sure to eat far more than your stomach can possibly hold. Colour your palate and plate with beets, red velvet cake, blue frosting, and lots of sprinkles. The sick that you spew all over Bank tube station will be beautiful and decorative. For extra points, ingest a few of these (glitter shitter pills).
Be sure to make your Christmas the very best ever, and don’t worry about the possible repercussions of your merriment. Some magical ambulance fairy or bar maid will be there to fill your night with magic and get you home to your own bed before Santa comes.
A Bar Maid in London