On this night in 2007, I wrote the following on Facebook’s nascent (and rapidly already dying) Notes feature. Cringe and ponder, dear readers: Coleen at barely 20 years of age.
“Updates updates updates….
I’m not really sure why I walk out onto this imaginary internet stage and monologue my thoughts, except maybe because it’s not me actually talking and instead it’s just me writing for an audience that may or may not be there. But who hasn’t thought all of that while writing a blog-type-thingy?
Anyways, what I’m thinking…
– I’m less lost than usual (especially since I can magically find my way through the dense Norlin Science Stacks without getting lost once).
-I’ve been re-reading my notes from before and I keep thinking that I say the same things all the time. I feel bad for my audience. I’m still missing Italy, I still feel like I’m adjusting to changes, I still feel like my life is confusing.
-Tonight I spent a few hours thinking (and by thinking, I mean trying to decipher a book on cognitive science and watching SVU while considering my path in life). I realized that I should be happy, and that I am happy. I’m much happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I know that it comes from learning to identify what I deserve versus what I will put up with. I feel very thankful for everything I’ve been through and all that pain and crying and everything…it’s made it so that I feel like I can make my own choices.
-At the same time, I kept crying over stupid things tonight. Like Sex and the City (which is a show that I’ve never watched in my life until tonight). I think it was too close to home. Then again everything is.
-I have two huge, real-life college papers to write this week, and instead I’m writing here.
-Why don’t stores carry cute underwear anymore? What gives? I like my old lacy polka dotted ones…since when does anyone want to wear magenta and pink constantly?
-I’m realizing that sometimes it’s better to just stop and let someone fall out of touch for good. Or for just a while. It makes it easier and less emotionally-charged when you run into each other then. Sometimes it’s better to be flakey than to give false pretenses.
-I had a dream about love. I was talking to someone, someone I already know, and he said, “When you’re ready, you’ll be ready to call the other person the most wonderful person in the world forever. You’ll be ready to commit to them as the one who will love them for all time.”
And I said, “I’ll learn to love like that. I’ll learn it soon I hope.”
I think my dreams are healing me. And so are other things.
There is no growth without pain.”
Remarkably wise, 20-year-old me. If only 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 and 28 year old me would listen!